COLUMN ONE

PET ADVICE—STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE’S MOUTH

By Charles “Horse” Tsence

    Dear Reader:

    This column is dedicated to the love and care of animals. Contrary to what some readers thought, animals do not include spouses. Yes, I know that spouses and partners call each other “Pet,” “Poochie” and even “My Cuddly Fur-Ball” (mostly directed to men), but this column is dedicated to our friends with four legs, feathers, fins, prehensile tails and the like. For questions regarding male-female relationships, I refer you to columnist Hortense “Poochie” McGoldstein, who will appear twice monthly in this publication. Thank you.

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I had only one friend, my dog. My wife is mad at me, and I told her

a man ought to have at least two friends. She agreed—and bought me another dog.

Pepper Rodgers, UCLA Coach

    Dear Charles:

    My cat, Precious, is a wonderful companion, but unfortunately, she has this habit of playing with and unrolling the toilet paper. I laughed it off for eighteen months, but now it’s getting to be a habit. I don’t know what to do. I’m at my wit’s end. Once a toilet roll is compromised, I can’t use it. My grocer is beginning to question my large, frequent toilet paper purchases, and I’m sure that he’s telling stories behind my back. What am I to do? Signed, At-Wit’s-End Smith

    Dear At-Wit’s-End Smith:

    Although Precious’ conduct may denote boredom on her part, based upon my past conversations with cats, I believe that she has chosen this activity as part of her household duties. Her way of thinking can be briefly stated as: “Hey, look at that. There’s toilet paper to roll . This roll needs to be cleaned out. I must help my mistress/master.”

I have found that there are three effective ways of stopping this conduct. (1) Buy one of those musical toilet paper roll cores. The music will either scare her or, if it’s a patriotic tune like the “Star Spangled Banner,” she’ll probably stand up, salute and walk away; (2) purchase toilet paper with a growling dog motif (unless Precious has poor eyesight, this may also deter her); or (3) install the roll backwards – so that it rolls down the back. This suggestion, however, may backfire since she may become so frustrated that she’ll exhibit very aggressive behavior.

    My barber has also suggested that you either teach her how to use the toilet paper constructively or purchase her own smaller toilet roll on a portable stand with her name. Of course, you’ll have to teach her to recognize her name, but cats can be taught.

    Dear Charles:

    My Great Dane, Fluffy, has a unique problem. I’ve discussed it with other dog owners, but none seem to have the answer. Fluffy, rather than chasing his own tail, will chase other dogs’ tails. Not only does he sniff a dog’s tail once he introduces himself, but he’ll actually try to chase his new friend’s tail. Apparently, other dogs do not like this, and Fluffy has been in more than his share of scraps. How can I break Fluffy of this habit? All my friends, who have dogs, will not come near my house and have stopped speaking to me. Signed, Totally-Puzzled Johnson

    Dear Totally-Puzzled:

    Your first problem is your dog’s name. “Fluffy” is not a male dog name, let alone a Great Dane’s, and I fear that he has suffered severe psychological damage. You haven’t told me his age, but whatever it is, you must rename him immediately! This may reverse the damage and build his self-esteem. Going to the heart of the matter, your dog obviously has “Tail Envy,” a very rare trait in dogs, but Woody Allen has correlated this “Tail Envy” disorder to male human beings. Dropping that subject like a hot potato, I suggest that you take pictures of his tail and, assuming it is handsome in its own right, post the photos around the house so that he can see and enjoy his own possession. The only other advice I have, if he persists in this behavior, is to buy a set of Pennally’s Side Blinders for Dogs. This will require him to focus straight ahead, and he will probably miss 90% of the tails in the neighborhood. Let me know how you’re doing on this.

    Signing off for now. Until next time, enjoy your pets and remember that not only are they a part of your family, they are part of your personality.

People who do not clean up after their dogs

Obviously have yet to complete their own toilet training.

Brendan Francis