The Inane Asylum™:
A Trip Through the Halls of Congress
By Bernard Levy
Let’s consider Webster’s New World Dictionary, Third
College Edition, definitions:
Since the examples of Congress’s
machinations, shenanigans, corruption, malfeasance, nonfeasance and misfeasance
are so plentiful and bottomless, I settled upon a fact-filled, fictional humorous
literary style. My files are
overflowing with congressional excuses, delays, misinformation, incompetence,
failures to act, actions that are clearly politically-motivated and
special-interest focused. A much
greater American than I ever hope to be, Will Rogers, would have a grand old
time with our current Congress; he had a pretty good run at Congress in his
day. Enjoy your trip through The Inane AsylumÔ.
Legislatures are like
animals in a zoo.
You can’t do anything
about ‘em.
All you can do is just
stand and watch ‘em.
Will Rogers
With a few hours to spare
while visiting Washington D.C., I meandered over to the Halls of Congress. After clearing security, I observed a crowd
gathering around a speaker. As I got
closer, I noticed that his appearance remarkably resembled a circus midway
hawker with his wide-striped suit, exaggerated bow tie and colorful high hat as
he barked through a megaphone.
“Right this way, ladies and
gentlemen. Please don’t stray from the
group. It’s a dangerous place out
there, you know. Be on the look-out for
the feared, snapping congressional bufferon and the fluff-feathered,
cash-encrusted hornswaggle. The tour is
ready to begin. Gather ‘round as I take
you through these hallowed and compromised Halls.”
Curiosity grabbed me, and I
joined the group. Our tour leader,
aptly named Henry Hawker, moved us along, all the while waving to passersby and
influentials alike and pointing out many of the people behind the scenes responsible
for some of Congress’s memorable and forgettable moments and accomplishments.
“Over on your left is the
desk of ‘Complicated Carl.’ There he
is. Hi, Carl. One of his recent achievements is the Medicare bill that provided
all those wonderful alternatives to prescription pricing. He rationalized that our senior citizens
needed the opportunity to exercise their gray matter and the bill’s
complications would help to ensure that Medicare recipients took an active role
in choosing a plan. On a sad note, his
great aunt Matilda became so upset with the choices offered that she suffered a
stroke and died. Well, that’s the luck
of the draw.
“On your right is our famous
Pork Barrel Pete. I’d wave to Pete right
now, but he’s busy working on some important legislation that will offer great
benefits to the constituents of several congresspersons. His favorite Pork Barrel people are Senators
Ted Stephens of Alaska and Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania. In fact, in December when Congress passed a
defense bill excluding Arctic oil drilling, Senator Stephens was depressed for
hours. It appears the House recently
voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling. Many of us know the Arctic Wild Refuge future
production will be just a drop in the barrel-heh, heh-no pun intended.
Heck, we can get better results by increasing vehicle standards for
miles per gallon, but ’ol Pete has a job to do, and he’s giving it his all.
“On the right, again, is one
of our women-behind-the-scenes; we call her Bubbling Bea. She’s a great old gal and we love her
dearly. You may not know this, but she
was responsible for the proposed $100 taxpayer rebate to pacify the public for
increasing the gasoline costs. House
Leader Bill Frist thought this was a great coup and patted Bea on the
back. He later apologized for
inappropriate touching but, as you know, this $100 deal went over like a leaded
balloon. The public isn’t impressed
with tokenism anymore. I’m sorry to see
that go.
“On your left is the
wonderful ‘Looking-the-other-way Louie.’
He’s the guy who makes sure that oversight committees get information
late and incomplete. He single-handedly
has engineered some of the greatest faux pas of our times, including the Dubai
Port fiasco. It seems that an elite few
on Capitol Hill knew something about the deal before it was exposed to the
public, but they ignored the information since they believe President Bush is
always right. Someone tried to credit Louie
for the lack of oversight regarding the NSA wiretapping, but Louie would have
none of that. That wasn’t his
doing. He’s a ‘responsible’ Washington
bureaucrat, basically dishonest, but he does have his ethics, selective as they
are. By the way, Louie is a heck of a
poker player; his bluffs are legendary.
“Moving right along, see that
very modern-looking desk on your right?
You’ll notice the person wearing a mask. I don’t even know his or her name. That person has been nick-named the ‘Anti-Robin Hood;’ his or her
main goal in this administration is to rob from the poor and give to the rich. It’s rumored that A.R.H. single-handedly promoted
reducing Medicare benefits to this
nation’s poorest children and fought tooth and nail to defeat any increase in
the federal minimum wage. You may not
know this little-known fact but, since 1997, Congress has voted eight pay
raises for itself and not one dime for workers making the minimum wage. In fact, the annual salary for members of Congress
has gone up $31,600 during that time, while a minimum-wage employee working
full-time only earns $10,712 per year.
That’s pretty good for Congress, doncha think? Also, our masked person teamed up with the desk right next to
him, occupied by ‘Spending Siegfried,’ to pass the most recent spending and
tax-reduction bills. I have been
informed their combined motto has been approved by President Bush and the GOP -
‘the heck with our budget and trade deficits, full-spending torpedoes ahead.’ And to accomplish this and hopefully
increase the federal deficit, which they view as good for America, are the tax
reduction provisions that most agree are vigorously slanted in favor of the
wealthy. To accomplish this, the Senate
just recently passed a $70 billion tax-cut bill.
Mr. Hawker looked at his
watch and exclaimed, “Golly, we’re running way behind, and I must cover corruption
and immigration,” and he hurried us down the corridor.
“There’s ‘Corruptible Clifton’
right now. See him waving at us? Such a nice wave. This Jack Abramoff mess shook up Congress. (Audible giggles in the crowd.) No, that’s true, really. Alright, I’ll level with you; most
congresspersons were upset for about eighteen minutes, but that’s a record. Former Republican power representative Tom
DeLay resigned from office, and some of his former employees are in serious
legal trouble. The ongoing
investigation will probably nab more senators and representatives, too. The public and opinion polls have called for
greater ethics reform, particularly regarding lobbyist activism. However, good old Clifton has done his best
to water-down all ethics measures. In
fact, perks such as lobbyist-financed trips, paid meals, and low-cost flights
on corporate jets have been significantly untouched by the House bill recently
passed by a 217-213 vote. The Senate’s
GOP new man on ethics, Rick Santorum, probably stretched his own ethics by
receiving benefits from his PAC for personal expenditures. By the look of the Gucci travel bags next
to Clifton’s desk, Cliff’s probably scheduled to take another lobbyist-paid junket
to places unspecified.
“We only have three minutes
left. We’ll skip the next three desks,
and I’ll comment on the desk over there.
That’s Ineffective Isaac’s desk.
He’s responsible for helping legislators craft bills that are doomed to
failure or partial failure, such as the ones currently being crafted on
immigration. As you know, this is one
of the big topics in our nation today.
Many Republicans are upset with the fact that some legislation is geared
to providing citizenship to the ten or twelve million illegal immigrants in the
country today if they pass certain requirements, such as adopting English as
their primary language, paying a fee and taxes. Of course, the big stumbling block is actually a wall to be
erected along the US-Mexican border.
Isaac is having a field day with this because there are so many areas in
which nobody can be pleased, and everybody can be confused. Legislators from both houses’ sides of the
aisle are not accurately portraying the advantages and disadvantages of a wall. Some argue that the Great Wall of China did
its job. Others argue that the Berlin
Wall was never effective because you can’t build a barrier around philosophies
and beliefs. In any event, everything
is up for grabs here. Isaac confided to
me that he can’t understand what the Republicans’ gripe is with giving
citizenship to the illegal workers since the majority of the people who hire
them are Republican businesspersons.
Maybe, we’re back to that minimum wage thing.
“Well, that’s it ladies and
gentlemen. Yes, I know, I didn’t cover
the lack of mine safety concern and oversight, the great reduction of veteran
benefits due to budget cuts and the FBI’s raid of Representative Jefferson’s
offices. Incidentally, both parties are
irate about the raid. Frankly, that has
me stumped. You would think the Republicans
would be happy that a Democrat, for once, is going to be prosecuted for
corruption. However, Republicans are
even more opposed than Democrats to the executive branch’s FBI searching congresspersons’
offices. It probably is a violation of constitutional
rights but, in this day and age, what else is new? I can see that Congress would be upset because records and
computer files may contain issues of national policy the FBI should not
see. Can you really trust the FBI with
matters of national security? Also,
there is the question of checks and balances of the two branches of
government. If you ask me, and I never
said this, it seems to me congresspersons may have some personal data on those
computers they don’t want their spouses to know about. That may be the hidden meaning in all of
this.
Thanks again for allowing me
to take you on this tour. I wish I
could stay and answer your questions, but I’m late, I’m late, for a very
important date. No time to say hello,
goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.”
And with that, he was off
like a flash, leaving us bewildered, but full of information.
Wow! If I ever get back to
Washington D.C., I’m going to take the Hawker’s tour again. He did a fantastic job! Who says that Congress has depth? It’s got to be one of the most absurd,
pointless, silly institutions of all times.
And to top that, it actually is a three-ring circus, featuring
elephants, donkeys and a vast array of creatures more suited to appear in
Barnum and Bailey’s side shows… if the pay and perks were sufficient, like the top-notch
free medical coverage and great retirement benefits that congresspersons
receive.
The United States
Senate
opens with a prayer
and closes with an
investigation.
Will Rogers