When friend and fellow writer Bernie Levy recently asked me to write about dust and clutter, I questioned his ridiculous request. "Why me?" I asked as we sat in my living room with Eric "Sloppy Dunker" Rappaport (aptly named for his donut-dunking addiction).

Bernie responded, "Who said that? I don't see anyone."

"Why, me, you goofball," I answered, shoving several thick picture books off my coffee table so he had a clearer view.

"That's why," Bernie said as he pointed to the table heaped high with coffee table reading. "If there ever was anyone who takes clutter and dust to extremes, it's certainly you. I can't understand how any woman would consider a relationship with you once she sets foot in this house."

Eric piped up, "Oh, I dunno. I had a cousin that was worse, but he's dead now. He was dead for weeks before he was discovered; they couldn't find him until they cleaned out his apartment."

I couldn't take it any longer. "That's ridiculous. You just made that up. I'm not that bad. If you want me to put down my thoughts I will, but you must understand there are rules to follow when collecting dust and clutter."

"You've got to be kidding," Bernie laughed. "Let's take two examples in this room. What reason is there to pile books so high on your coffee table that nobody can choose one? And, take that corner over there," he said, pointing to the corner where my dust friends lived. "It seems you've made little things out of dust that probably has piled up for years and then topped them with little bits of ribbon and scraps of cloth. What're they supposed to be?"

Eric added his two cents. "Hey, that's probably some kind of art. He's built several of those things. Isn't that right, Jim?"

"Ya' know, Bernie, Eric's got an eye for dust and clutter," I said. I could easily convert him to the cause, I thought. "Since you've chosen to insult me, I'm going to charge you fifty cents a word. I'll email my brilliant commentary to you within a week.

"And, by the way, when you finish your beers, wash out the bottles and put them under the sink. There's some behavior I won't tolerate."

They took the hint, washed their bottles, put them in the proper place, carved a path to the door, and left. I surveyed my kingdom. It wasn't so bad: my décor of dust and clutter had been well thought-out.

So, here's my contribution to the search for truth and meaning in living and making friends with dust and clutter.

First, dust. Dust is made up of many elements, all of which are particles falling from something or someone. After a brief time, this accumulation leaves a film on objects that mutes their coloration and takes on nuances of its own.

Many people confuse dust with dirt and periodically clean compulsively to excess. Dust is the reason for many inventions, including Busters, mops and cloths. Industries have risen and fallen because of dust and its earthier cousin, dirt, including cleaners, cleaning companies and household cleaning systems. However, treat dust with respect and friendship, and dust will be your friend.

Some people fear dust mites, those miniscule creatures that reside in dust. In the cartoon strip Rose Is Rose, Rose, a foxy and dutiful mother and wife, is deathly afraid of them. The strip's creator illustrates them as horrific, imposing insects. But, golly, everything has a right to live for some time on this earth.

I've known people, mostly women, whose life's mission is to get rid of dust before it even settles. I say to those people, "Get a life! There are more important things to do than dust your life away." Sure, it doesn't hurt to dust once in a while; my rule of thumb is to dust at least once a year, whether it needs it or not, but no more than quarterly.

Everybody looks on the cloudy side of life when it comes to dust. However, there are benefits to dust accumulation. For instance, when establishing a loving relationship, you want to be loved for more than just your beauty. I, for one, don't want to be just a pretty face; I want a woman to love me for my intellect, my sense of humor and my companionship. Dust can assist in your search for the perfect mate as well as provide other benefits. Consider:

• Dust can be an early warning system. If your date is put off by dust, she's not the woman for you. She's obviously not looking for a lasting, true relationship. My rule: Does someone like me for my neatness or because I'm a neat person?
• Dust also alerts you to her susceptibility to allergies. Allergies are not all bad; they, too, can be your friends under certain circumstances. But I need to know early in the relationship if someone is prone to them. It's just one item on my short list - 137 questions - that I ask within the first two weeks of dating.
• Dust is a telltale sign about your personality, particularly when you cultivate dust pets. Though he didn't know it, Eric had identified my dust friends -- the pets that keep on giving. I have dust dogs and cats, as well as bunnies. I grow them for a few months, and then I dress them up. Creativity is the watchword in this pet world. They're very understanding; their maintenance is low; I never have to take them to the vet; they grow on me in time; they keep me company. Their only drawbacks are that I can't take them when I move and I have to put them to rest before I get my cleaning deposit back.
• Last, although most cleaning manufacturers, suppliers and professionals will keep this truth from you, dust can be a protective coating.

There are times when dusting is appropriate and beneficial. The list is short. Visits from mothers and prospective mothers-in-law require targeted dusting to establish your respectability. It also helps keep harmony within the family. To keep your sense of dignity and to limit hypocrisy, I suggest you dust only those areas that will be inspected. You know your mother and future mother-in-law better than I do but, in the event that you do not, dust those areas that are most available to the white-glove and heavy-finger-touching techniques. These champions of cleanliness test windowsills, picture frames, and tables most accessible in the kitchen, living and dining rooms. Don't forget the TV and appliances. If you take out the good china (you have good china?) on days when they visit, make sure they are washed or at least dusted. You do not need to dust for uninvited family, including hypercritical aunts. Discovering dust can make them more human. Finally, it's always appropriate to dust once a month in your bedroom, particularly around the bed. Excessive dust accumulation can affect your night breathing and increase the possibility of snoring, which may not be bad in itself.

Don't hesitate to spread the word about dust friendliness to friends and support groups. There are DFAs (Dust Friends of America) springing up in all parts of this great country, and joining one is a good way to meet friends with similar tastes. The DFA is closely akin to the AML (Anti-Mop League) and a stalwart enemy of the NCC (Notoriously Compulsive Cleaners). I have misplaced the Web site, but DFA advertises in one of my favorite magazines, Modern Garbage.

Going hand-in-hand with dust is clutter, but I've run out of space. Hopefully, Bernie will continue with clutter next week.