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Vol 1, Issue 1 |
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Monday, July 31, 2006 |
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Greetings from the Editor: Welcome to the first addition of The Full-Court Press, exclusive on the internet. Make no mistake; this is not a blog. The FCP is a magazine devoted to unique literary style, humor and serious contemporary commentary. In these trying times of great human tragedy, man-made and natural; the ever-present environment of terrorism, both real and perceived; rudderless, lackluster leadership in addressing the basic needs facing our nation and its people; the advent and reality of shrinking job security and retirement benefits; the continuing financial pressure on those who need life-sustaining medication; and a multitude of other pressing concerns, it is necessary to keep our perspective. Humor aids perspective. We applaud humor of all kinds and take heed from the masters - Will Rogers, Mark Twain, James Thurber, Damon Runyon, Ring Lardner, Art Buchwald, Harry Golden and Art Hoppe. Accordingly, our staffers use instruments filled with humorous toner and ink. FCP cuts across labels and unworkable conventions. Our mission is neither liberal nor conservative; those labels don’t work any more, if they ever did. Most people combine some of each in their lives. We’re dedicated to inform, educate, speak plainly and entertain, and not always in that order. Our mission, “Searching for and publishing the truth, wherever it leads,” is intended to shine needed illumination on today’s environment of governmental and business policies that contribute to planted stories, misdirection, misstatements and deceit. We are a Press and actively cover important stories and events. Being an avid basketball fan, I am very aware of how proactive a “full-court press” is. It is transparently clear today that many politicos pander to public opinion, the results of surveys and polls, and espouse policies and programs they never intend to follow or adequately fund. Recently, news media has come under a vicious attack by government for exposing truths. As a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and the Society of Professional Journalists, I live daily with the importance of publishing freedom and the duties and responsibilities of the Fourth Estate. A basic measure of democracy is a free, investigate press. Only once before in living memory, the Senator Joe McCarthy era, was the press and freedom of expression as threatened by inappropriate governmental intervention and action. This first issue is intended to give you a broad view of who we are and what we publish. True, only three of our loveable, fictional characters appear, namely Professor Ferdinand Von Rumproast, Alice in Washington, D.C., and “Shallow Trachea,” a cousin of Deep Throat. You’ll soon meet “Harold, CPA Super Hero” and others. We encourage you to read our privacy policy. Also, our “Hidden Stories” feature encourages you to email us with your suggestions for additional items that need to be aired. We will be adding features, including Sports, Tributes, and Obituaries, the latter not only of people but of events and circumstances. Letters and comments should be addressed to editor@fullcourtpress.com or P.O. Box 1030, Canby, Oregon 97013. . We hope you enjoy this issue as much as we did presenting it to you. To print the articles, click the printer friendly link at top, or the RSS link at left. Respectfully, Bernard M. Levy and the Staff
 The Inane Asylum™: A Trip Through the Halls of Congress By Bernard Levy Let’s consider Webster’s New World Dictionary, Third College Edition, definitions: Since the examples of Congress’s machinations, shenanigans, corruption, malfeasance, nonfeasance and misfeasance are so plentiful and bottomless, I settled upon a fact-filled, fictional humorous literary style. My files are overflowing with congressional excuses, delays, misinformation, incompetence, failures to act, actions that are clearly politically-motivated and special-interest focused. A much greater American than I ever hope to be, Will Rogers, would have a grand old time with our current Congress; he had a pretty good run at Congress in his day. Enjoy your trip through The Inane Asylum TM. Legislatures are like animals in a zoo.
Will Rogers With a few hours to spare while visiting Washington D.C., I meandered over to the Halls of Congress. After clearing security, I observed a crowd gathering around a speaker. As I got closer, I noticed that his appearance remarkably resembled a circus midway hawker with his wide-striped suit, exaggerated bow tie and colorful high hat as he barked through a megaphone. “Right this way, ladies and gentlemen. Please don’t stray from the group. It’s a dangerous place out there, you know. Be on the look-out for the feared, snapping congressional bufferon and the fluff-feathered, cash-encrusted hornswaggle. The tour is ready to begin. Gather ‘round as I take you through these hallowed and compromised Halls.” Curiosity grabbed me, and I joined the group. Our tour leader, aptly named Henry Hawker, moved us along, all the while waving to passersby and influentials alike and pointing out many of the people behind the scenes responsible for some of Congress’s memorable and forgettable moments and accomplishments. “Over on your left is the desk of ‘Complicated Carl.’ There he is. Hi, Carl. One of his recent achievements is the Medicare bill that provided all those wonderful alternatives to prescription pricing. He rationalized that our senior citizens needed the opportunity to exercise their gray matter and the bill’s complications would help to ensure that Medicare recipients took an active role in choosing a plan. On a sad note, his great aunt Matilda became so upset with the choices offered that she suffered a stroke and died. Well, that’s the luck of the draw. “On your right is our famous Pork Barrel Pete. I’d wave to Pete right now, but he’s busy working on some important legislation that will offer great benefits to the constituents of several congresspersons. His favorite Pork Barrel people are Senators Ted Stephens of Alaska and Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania. In fact, in December when Congress passed a defense bill excluding Arctic oil drilling, Senator Stephens was depressed for hours. It appears the House recently voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling. Many of us know the Arctic Wild Refuge future production will be just a drop in the barrel-heh, heh-no pun intended. Heck, we can get better results by increasing vehicle standards for miles per gallon, but ’ol Pete has a job to do, and he’s giving it his all. “On the right, again, is one of our women-behind-the-scenes; we call her Bubbling Bea. She’s a great old gal and we love her dearly. You may not know this, but she was responsible for the proposed $100 taxpayer rebate to pacify the public for increasing the gasoline costs. House Leader Bill Frist thought this was a great coup and patted Bea on the back. He later apologized for inappropriate touching but, as you know, this $100 deal went over like a leaded balloon. The public isn’t impressed with tokenism anymore. I’m sorry to see that go. “On your left is the wonderful ‘Looking-the-other-way Louie.’ He’s the guy who makes sure that oversight committees get information late and incomplete. He single-handedly has engineered some of the greatest faux pas of our times, including the Dubai Port fiasco. It seems that an elite few on Capitol Hill knew something about the deal before it was exposed to the public, but they ignored the information since they believe President Bush is always right. Someone tried to credit Louie for the lack of oversight regarding the NSA wiretapping, but Louie would have none of that. That wasn’t his doing. He’s a ‘responsible’ Washington bureaucrat, basically dishonest, but he does have his ethics, selective as they are. By the way, Louie is a heck of a poker player; his bluffs are legendary.
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INSIDE THIS ISSUE
Politics and Government
Page 1 The Inane Asylum Page 11 The Bush Way: Fruit Fallen Far From the Tree Business
Page 12 Von Rumproast Discusses Book, "Birds In Business" Page 9 Take Thee to a Bunery Page 6 The Dow Jones Industrial Average: Is it a Fair Index of Industry and Commerce Page 10 The Face and Feel of a Con Game: A Firsthand Look Interviewing for a Job Pure Humor
Page 2 The Scale of Injustice: Who has not encountered a scale of injustice Page 3 PTFE: The Slick Invention that Protects Politicians and Corporate Executives Thought Provoking
Page 3 Alice in Washington, D.C.: Down the Government Rabbit Hole Once Again Page 14 I Really Wanted To Be A Republican: Honestly I Did Page 8 Missed in Mainstream Media: the "Hidden Stories" Advice
Page 15 Pet Advice - Straight from the Horse's Mouth Page 5 The Mediocre Housekeeper Editorials
Page 4 Need, Greed and Corruption: Lessons of Enron and the Repercussions of Electing an Ideologue Instead of a Leader and Manager as President Page 13 Peace on Earth: An Oxymoronic Phrase or a Possibility Page 7 Reflections on the Fourth of July: Reading and Living our Declaration of Independence  Stella, the Secretary Bird, hard at work on the next issue. Please click the link at top left to make us your home page and you won't miss another exciting issue! |
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